Read This:The following review is just my opinion and only my opinion I am not a professional house appraiser or inspector and I am not a structural engineer. The opinions expressed in this review are based on my own inspection of the property, the publicly available facts from aggregator sites such as Redfin and Zillow and the online permit database for the city of Alameda. I am not responsible for incorrect or missing data that appears in these sources. In fact, its probably best that you just ignore everything you read here as the lunatic ravings of an unbalanced mind.
Well I honestly was not ever planning to review 1525 Gibbons Drive. We can't afford a house on Gibbons but it is a pipe dream for us to live there so we wanted to go check out the house just for the hell of it. But, being barred from entry and being told that the house owner specifically asked that I not be allowed admittance has rubbed me the wrong way.
To reiterate, my opinion is that people with nothing to hide wouldn't have a problem with an impartial review of their house. I've decided that for every open house that I am barred from I will write a fictitious and satirical review.
Knife Catching 1525 Gibbons Drive.
Unbeknownest to the homeowners and Realtors I have the ability to astrally project myself to where ever I please. After being barred from this house we went to Franklin Park and as the wife and baby played in the sandbox I took a nap in the shade and was able to astrally project myself to the open house in time to view it. Since I can not take pictures in that state my review will have to depend on my ability to form pictures in your minds with my words. But to help, here's a link to the listings website full of pretty pictures and verbiage.
I was able to 'get' to the open house just minutes before they ended for the day. As I moved around the house I thought to myself that the house was nice enough....what I saw after the doors where closed and all the looky-loo's where cleared out is what I feel I must talk to y'all about...before its too late....
The Realtor went into the backyard and pulled a small metallic device from his pants pocket. As he did the air in front of him shimmered and a small, I'll have to call it a craft, appeared. The craft was saucer shaped and was shiny and mirror-like as if it was made out of liquid mercury. As the Realtor slowly approached the ship a section dissolved to form a doorway. I noticed that with each approaching step the Realtor's human features seemed to be slowly melting away
and where being replaced with reptilian features. Actually if I had to peg it, I'd say that he looked like a meaner, scalier version of a sleestak with a double row of razor sharp teeth like a shark. As it reached the saucer door the transformation was complete and I gasped with astonishment. Just then the now Reptilian Realtor whipped his head around and started tasting the air with his long forked tongue. It was as if he could sense me some how and I froze in fear. After what seemed like an eternity the fearsome creature turned and entered the craft.
Half scared outta my wits but knowing that I had to 'do' something I followed the Reptilian Realtor into his ship. Upon entering I was shocked to see that the inside of the craft appeared much, much larger than the outside!?! I'd guess the exterior dimensions at about the size of a big SUV but the interior room I was in was at least 40' on a side. I followed the strange creature to a large table in the center of the room where there were already several of the creatures seated. They fell silent as the Reptile Realtor I was following took his seat at the head of the table. From this gesture I assumed he was their leader. The creatures started talking in the strangest language that I'd ever heard. It sounded like a cross between the Australian aboriginal pops and clicks with different styles of snake like hissing. Just hearing it made my blood run cold.
The creatures seemed to be discussing some sort of plan. The head creature would wave its hands around in front of him and different graphics would appear in the air, hovering over the center of the table. They seemed to be discussing some sort of plan...but for what I did not know. I did notice the strangest thing, every once in a while a complete sentence in English was uttered. The first time I heard it I thought I had imagined it but I listened more intently and heard the same couple of phrases over and over again...
'Its a great time to buy.' 'Its a great time to sell.' 'Don't worry about the brick foundation.' Where the phrases I heard repeated the most it almost felt like some kind of religious mantra...otherwise, it just looked kinda like any old boring work meeting with the boss but with way fancier PowerPoint.
One of the underlings at the table started to get animated and gesticulate wildly. I think he was trying to 'get the floor'. With a nod from the leader this underling jumped up and starting fiddling with the controls on a nearby wall panel. Two cylindrical objects about the size of a porta potty but made out of the same liquid mercury metal as the ship lowered from some hidden recess in the ceiling. From the pod closest to me I could hear muffled screaming and banging! 'Who or what could be in there', I thought. The technician fiddled with some more knobs and the liquid metal on the pods started to disappear into a door shaped opening. I was so excited that I moved around to in front of the doors to get a better look. As the door dissolved lights started to fade up from inside slowly revealing.....Oh No!!!! I was being pulled away from this incredible scene and back to my body resting comfortably under one of the big pine trees in Franklin park.
I awoke back inside my own body with start to my incredibly adorable 14 month old shaking my tummy with both hands and saying, 'Da! Da! Da Da' for it was time for me to take her on a slide ride.
As I scooped up my daughter I thought, 'Wow this explains so much, why I was barred from seeing the house and why some Realtors use those annoying phrases all the time. But what was in those tubes? What exactly is this 'plan' they are working on? I guess I just have to wait for the next open house I'm barred from to get another piece of the puzzle.'
To Be Continued....
Okay okay so I'm no Bill Gibson....heck I ain't even a Bill Shatner when it comes to writing Sci-Fi..but hopefully you found this amusing.