Tuesday, July 13, 2010

KnifeCatching 1310 San Antonio Ave Barred Again!!!

Read This:The following review is just my opinion and only my opinion I am not a professional house appraiser or inspector and I am not a structural engineer. The opinions expressed in this review are based on my own inspection of the property, the publicly available facts from aggregator sites such as Redfin and Zillow and the online permit database for the city of Alameda. I am not responsible for incorrect or missing data that appears in these sources. In fact, its probably best that you just ignore everything you read here as the lunatic ravings of an unbalanced mind.

Up for review today is 1310 San Antonio Ave. According to public facts its 4-2 single family home of 1907sq ft on a 4000sq ft lot built in 1906 on sale for $825k Its weird that the public facts show it as a 4-2 when its being listed as a 3-1.5...you hardly ever see the listing as smaller than the public facts. Check out the super fab sellers website here for lots of pics.

On To The Review
Oh wait, got banned again by those lovely folks at Alain Pinel Realty. They really appear to have their panties in a twist about people independently reviewing the houses they have for sale...

I'll say this again, in my opinion, anybody who is selling a product which they are refusing to be allowed to be independently reviewed must be hiding something....

1310 San Antonio Ave. was a bit of a heart breaker for the missus. She's been eyeing this place for a while. It looks good from the street and its literally 2 houses down from the super fab Franklin Park. It also has what looks like a nice front porch. As a 4-2 with a 3 car garage we where excited that maybe this could be the house for us...too bad the super-neato folks at Alain Pinel Realty see fit to bar legitimate buyers.

On the being barred thing:
I'm wondering if its even legal. Its an open house advertised in the paper...we're real buyers with a pre-approval letter yet they won't let me in to see the place? The realtor said, 'The home owners have asked that I not allow you in.'.....seriously WTF... What if the home owners said, 'Ya know, don't let any Jews into the open.' How would that fly? Maybe they should post a sign on the door that reads, 'Intelligent, knowledgeable buyers need not apply.' I feel like I'm being discriminated against cause I have a strong opinion.... Just for kicks, I think I'll try to find out what the ACLU has to say about this.

Anticipating that I would be banned the wife and a friend went along first to check the place out. Here are their thoughts on the place.

The two rooms on the ground floor look nice and are of a nice size. The kitchen is 'weird' with it being separated into two rooms. The front porch is indeed good sized. The top floor bedrooms are teeny-tiny and what looks like a cool 2nd floor porch over the bottom porch can only be accessed through a window?!?! There is one bathroom on the 2nd floor and only a room with a toilet on the 1st. They both thought that the kitchen and bath needed to be 'refreshed' as they looked old and well worn to them. The entire lot is covered in bricks! From the looks of it probably the bricks from the original foundation...but the front yard, side yards and back yard are completely bricked in! Sounds like just the thing for kids to play on...'low maintenance yards' isn't that supposed to be for elderly folks? I estimate that between the house and the garage is maybe 20' tops....so no backyard.

Net-net, too small with no yard for $825k.....but, its got location, location, location...so maybe it'll sell for asking. The place next door's (1312 San Antonio) been for sale for ever and its a 3-2 and they've dropped the price from like the mid $800's down to the higher $600k's and it still hasn't sold. 1312 has a new realtor and if ya ask me they really blew it not having it open same time as 1310 was. There were a lot of people coming to see 1310 and most of em woulda probably toured 1312 also. But hey, maybe 1310 is worth more than $150k more than 1312 which hasn't sold in months.....

The Real Story *
Suspecting the insidious threat of the Reptile Realtors I hurried to Franklin park to attempt to astrally project myself into the house. Luckily, with the house only being 2 doors down from the park I was able to 'assume the position' under my favorite tree and project my astral self back into the house...what I found, dear readers, will shock you to your very core! Even after reading the relevations revealed in my review of 1525 Gibbons Dr.

Have you ever toured a house with your baby and have the Realtor showing it say something along the lines of, 'I just love babies, please, let me hold him while you go look through the house.' Does it ever appear that they are just a little too eager to hold your child? We used to hear it all the time when we brought our daughter to open houses when she was younger. We, of course, never handed our child over to a stranger. I always wondered if ANYBODY would take the realtor up on their offer.

Well, it turns out some people do...in my astral state I actually saw a mother hand her daughter over to the realtor so she could look through the house unencumbered. I don't want to make any value judgements here, but this woman looked like the type of very wealthy mother who looks at a baby as more of a fashion accessory than anything else...musta been the au-pairs day off. At this point I didn't know if this was a human Realtor or one of the heinous 'Reptile Realtors'. The realtor cradled the baby gently in its arms and smiled broadly...showing a lot of teeth...Then the Realtor smiled even broader showing even more teeth...double row's of evily serrated teeth!

I was frozen with fear. Was this vile creature going to eat this baby? Could I get back to my body in the park and back to the house in time to save the baby? Just then, the baby's mother appeared from a doorway and smiled at the Realtor, who returned a perfectly normal, human, smile as the babies mama headed upstairs. Now, knowing that the upstairs of the house is teeny-tiny I hoped the mother would be back soon before anything happened to the baby.

This time the Reptile Realtor didn't smile broadly but its long, long reptilian forked tongue flicked out of its mouth. The creature played its freakishly long tongue over the sleeping babies face. I thought maybe the vile creature was trying to tickle the baby? It played its tongue down the babies arms, on its legs, on any exposed skin.....then I noticed that the RR was drooling!

This beast from another world was tasting the baby!!! I'll never forget the look on its face as it was tasting that baby....like when you take a bite of REALLY good chocolate and let it melt in your mouth and smoosh it around with your tongue....

The creature barely had time to compose itself as the babies mama came down the stairs and scooped the baby up and was off without even a word to the RR. I guess that 2nd floor really isn't impressive.

So, dear readers, I implore you, never, ever, let a Realtor hold your child for ANY reason!

I was hoping to follow this RR back to its lair, but again, my daughter wanted to play on the slide and awoke me from my trance like state.

To Be Continued?

*Of course this is satire.

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