Tuesday, March 8, 2011

KnifeCatching 1310 Pacific Ave

Read This:The following review is just my opinion and only my opinion I am not a professional house appraiser or inspector and I am not a structural engineer. The opinions expressed in this review are based on my own inspection of the property, the publicly available facts from aggregator sites such as Redfin and Zillow and the online permit database for the city of Alameda. I am not responsible for incorrect or missing data that appears in these sources. In fact, its probably best that you just ignore everything you read here as the lunatic ravings of an unbalanced mind.

KnifeCatching* 1310 Pacific Ave Alameda CA
Up for review today is 1310 Pacific Ave which has the official specs of being a legal triplex with - - amount of bedrooms and baths and a ---- amount of square feet (but the for sale literature calls it a 4-3 of 2858 sq ft) on a 3500 sq ft lot built in 1897 on sale for $485,000

The house is an interesting Marcuse and Remmel. I just love the swoops and flares of the roofline.
I can see here that the foundation has already been redone!!! Hurray for home owners who have the sense to do the foundation first and I just love the antique brick driveway and walkway. I was completely fooled by the garage doors! They look like original antique swing out carriage doors but it is actually a modern roll up garage door. How Clever!!!

Walk up the stairs and come in the front door which appears original with original glass and the original working stained glass transom window and you have this entryway.
I applaud the home owners sense of style. Just look at this shabby chic entry way! I can only imagine what it must of cost to have artisans 'antique' the house. Oh, I hope the entire house is done in this shabby chic style. I hear it is quite the rage in NYC. With some multi-million dollar penthouse apartments done up to look like this.

Turn left from the entry and you have what was originally the formal parlour.
What an amazing room!!! From the in stock home depot carpets to the multiple outlets on the wall...how much do you want to bet that the home owners attention to detail means that only half of the outlets are working!

And look, the abandoned fish tank motif. I heard that Madonna paid big bucks to have a room done up in just this style. The home owners truly are amazing visionaries.

Next to the formal parlour is this room that would of been the formal dinning room. The contrasting fabric on the walls, the mantle set just so...even the blown light on the ceiling fan...wow, I think that this is the absolute best example of avant garde shabby chic I've seen anywhere.

Just look at this runner! Right off the rack at Home Depot!!! Look closer and see that its actually screwed down!!!

Seriously, how avant garde!!!

Here's the 'kitchen' from the doorway. Wow, if this is not the epitome of farm house shabby chic what is!

There is a good sized bedroom off the kitchen. Again, more fantastic shabby chic.

I feel compelled to stop right now and tell you something truly amazing about the house. When I was there viewing it the owners where there!!! They actually encouraged me taking pictures! They freely offered to answer any questions that I had about the house. I had a ton of questions and they appeared quite knowledgeable about the house and quite honest. WOW, what a refreshing change from the angry, duplicitous attitude I usually get from home owners and their Realtors... They even said, 'When selling a house you should be completely open and honest and forthright with all the details of the house.' How refreshing.

One more thing that really struck me about the owners....damn are they good looking...The husband with his long flowing hair, I bet he was a surfer...the wife with her pale skin and black hair, she is truly stunning...and the baby!! She redefines cute!!

Ascend the wonderfully period correct stairs to the top level of this manse and you are greeted by this amazing sight. The exposed wood work, the home depot carpet, the clawfoot tub just waiting to be filled with water. The owners have really captured the South of Market Artist Loft aesthetic here. I hear Justin Beiber has a room just like this!!!!

Continuing on to the other side of the top floor you have yet more South Of Market Hipness...Look at the single lonely ceiling light hanging by its wires. Tres Chic.

Can't you imagine sitting up here and banging out the next great American novel on your manual royal typewriter??

Exit the amazing main house and through a separate entrance we have this amazing space. Imagine yourself in your own art studio, with warm heated floors, creating your next masterpiece.

The brawny exposed woodwork subconsciously pushing your work in a more marketable masculine direction.

Did I mention just how amazingly attractive the owners are??? It's obviously still on my mind as I'm writing this.

Through this hallway, done up in some new post modern spare aesthetic is the rest of the bottom unit. Through the doorway on the left is,

A generously proportioned bedroom. I didn't have a tape measure on me but I estimate this room to be at least 2000sq ft.

Don't you just love how the bright blue of the empty electrical boxes plays of the brown of the exposed exterior sheathing? Visionary!

On the other side of the hallway is this masterpiece in the making, a bathroom. I simply adore the 'everything is still in boxes waiting to be installed' aesthetic. I hear Bill Gates has several rooms in his mansion done up like this!

Stepping through the doorway at the end of the hallway you'll feel like you've just stepped out into a Wonderland. A wonderland of stamped concrete and imposing metal sculptures. I've recently learned that along with being so darned pretty the owners are also famous artists.

Their pieces typically sell for many hundreds of thousands of dollars but they told me they might include some of the minor pieces with the house, for the right offer. They feel that the neighbors would miss the 30' fire balls...

This house is an amazing find!!! New foundation, slab, amazing radiant heat, 200amp electrical service with subpanels on each floor, shockingly good looking current owners (I heard they were both models), the amazing, breath taking avant garde shabby chic atmosphere. So what if it still needs a little work!!! With a 203k loan the new owners can put their personal stamp on the property and have a personalized, customized home. All for less than it will be worth!!

Out of all the houses that I have reviewed, this house, I can say without a doubt, is in the best condition for the money and is by far and away the best deal on the market right now!!!

*Obviously this is a joke review if you can't see that take a deeeeep breath and stop taking yourself so seriously.


Marla said...

What a wonderful combination of classic and modern style! I wish I was in the market for a house in that area!
But, no pictures of the homeowners?

The MadScientist said...

Believe you me I took plenty of pictures of the homeowners!!!!
They just simply asked that I not show any in the review for fear that their stunning beauty would overshadow their amazing house.

Anonymous said...

Herman the Munster might pay $10,000.00

The MadScientist said...

Yay!!!! Our first anon nasty comment!!!! Do love the fact that you don't have the nuts to sign it.

Annnnnd its not 'Herman the Munster' its just Herman Munster. Buuut if Grandpa Munster wanted to do a partial trade involving Dragula I would totally go for it.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The MadScientist said...

Alright Anon,
You're super clever and you've figured out where we live now.

If you've noticed no where on this blog appears our actual address...which is why I will delete any comment from you that includes our current address.

That is also why I've deleted your comments in the past.

Be careful anon you are treading on thin ice. Comments like yours can be reasonably construed to be of the, 'I know where you live' variety.

phreddiva said...

OMG. Best review EVER. Heated floors!!!! :):):):):)

Anonymous said...

What is wrong with you? You're an unbelievable asshole.

The MadScientist said...

Oh, Anon, How I've missed you.

So funny that you don't get the joke...

Are you so dense as to not realize that this is a joke review of my own house for sale?